Jacquetta Live at New York Comedy Club

Folks, ten minutes of gold! Some old bits and some new bits. WARNING: light profanity.

Tonight Live at New York Comedy Club

Jacquetta Live!
New York Comedy Club
Thursday May 24, Friday May 25 & Sunday May 27 @ 8pm

Come see me put down my comedy anchor with top comics---
Laurie Kilmartin: Jimmy Kimmel Live, Tough Crowd w/ Colin Quinn
Marina Franklin: Comedy Central's "Chappelle's Show" & NBC's "Last Comic Standing"
Jacquetta Szathmari (that's me): NYC's "armed comedy princess"
Mary Dimino: Letterman, Conan & HBO's "Chris Rock Show"
Erica Watson: BET & Oxygen

Cover is $ 10 on Thursday & Sunday. Cover is $ 15 on FRIDAY.
All shows have a 2 drink minimum.
Reservations recommended. 212-696-5233

What I'm Up To

In an email a fellow comic asked me what I was up to. I don't know if she meant it, but I told her.

What am I up to...

Well, this morning there was a mouse stuck in a glue trap that the exterminator had set up in the kitchen. Too bad those guys are not around when the devices finally work. I spent the better part of the morning unable to decide if the squeaking I heard was coming from a mouse or a newborn bird out the window. I was hoping to find out before my fiancé, G, left the house. The plan was to make him throw the sticky mess out. My dog Curtis, a veritable anti-bloodhound, was sniffing around the entire apartment to little effect. After each squeak-chirp-squeal he reacted with fearful whimpering and began sniffing in another direction. Further complicating the hunt was my eyesight. From a comfortable distance I was unable to distinguish a mouse laden glue trap from one containing a dust bunny. Having watched one too many Sci Fi originals (Mansquito anyone…), I really didn’t want to get my face too close to the trap. This would have involved me getting on to all fours and wedging myself between the stove and the cabinets. I imagined that in this position I would be the perfect target for the stream of angry and indignant mice waiting just behind the decoy mouse. I got down anyway and the glue trap lurched toward me. I recognized the mouse as the one we had been chasing for weeks.

+++++

I am lucky enough to have the month of May off and have spent the majority of my time writing my first feature length script. This has involved a fair amount of late nights, a lot of film viewing and very little human interaction; the combination of the three lead directly to an overactive imagination. When the hour became very late I began to hear crackling noises. At first I reasoned that it was the wall clock, the tv or even my own typing because whenever I stopped making noise or turned off all the electronics there was silence. I spent anxious moments creeping up on various objects in my living room but could find nothing. I dismissed the possibility of a mouse as I had not seen any in more than a year and there was no “mouse sign” anywhere in my spotless abode. Finally, one early morning I tracked down the noise to my desk area. I moved things around but no mouse scurried out and I was unaware that there was any space under the bookcase; I imagined it was flush to the floor. I took all of my screenwriting notes on the shelf. I became paranoid that the mouse was after my movie. Then I became paranoid that I was becoming paranoid and therefore losing it. I couldn’t write a thing past act two.

To delay beginning the third act of my screenplay I decided to clean my office area. When I moved the bookshelf away from the wall I found a significant stash of dog food and evidence of a mouse. I immediately moved a glue trap to the small space behind the bookshelf and stuck down a few pieces of dog food as bait. This failed. For the next two weeks the mouse became bolder, darting across the living room floor while we were on the couch, pausing in front of the bathroom door while I was brushing my teeth and casually hanging out in the hallway. He must have known that his days were few.

On my hands and knees, I stared the mouse in the snout. Even though I had wished him death for more than a fortnight, I could not suffer to throw a live animal down a trash chute. I also did not want to pick up the trap with my hands for fear of getting bitten by a mouse with nothing to lose. I took a broomstick handle and stuck it onto the trap. It stuck to it very well- almost too well- and then I dropped the trap and thus the sticky mouse into a bucket filled with water. I held the mouse-end of the trap under the water until I figured the mouse was dead. After checking to see if he had expired, I yelled anti-vermin epitaphs and chucked the whole thing down the trash chute. A glue pad is not in anyway a better mouse trap.

Oh, yeah and I have some shows coming uo. What are you to?
J