Marathon Music

The end of the year means TV marathons. So far this holiday season I have subjected my brain to far more than the recommended dose of, the Met RX Strongest Man in the World Competition Highlights (go Pudzianowski !), the Deadliest Catch.. As much as I love the rare sight of watching men do manly stuff without harming or oppressing I couldn’t make it through more than a few episodes of either show because of the recent inclusion of foux hard core/ faux metal soundtracks. There is no more incongruous accompaniment to a man pulling up a trap full of Alaskan crabs while dodging a rogue wave in the Bering Sea than a “song” by Korn that sounds like it should be on the soundtrack of the sequel to The Crow. I should be listening to the roar of the ocean. Isn’t that why I have surround sound? Can’t I have a moment’s peace without being assaulted by bands whose man idea of antidisestablishmentarianism is to reverse the letters in their names and wear clown makeup while complaining about either sex or freedom or sexual freedom? I found the answer was no when I switched over to the Met RX competition for relief only to find that they were attempting to flog a soundtrack between events. When I am watching a 700 pound Swede fling ten 50 lb kegs over a fourteen foot high steel wall or his Norwegian counterpart pull a Mac truck with a shoulder harness the last thing I want is a Mastodon tune blaring in my ears. I don’t want a Hatebreed power ballad either. I want to hear the crowd cheering. If I can’t have that at and there must be electric guitars and angst can I at least get some Minor Threat, Metallica, Henry Rollins, or Steve Vai? I guess I am getting old.

Comedy Vs. Big Pharma

This morning in a strange turn of events I woke up an hour earlier than I had to. It was a simple mistake on my part, I forgot to review my schedule last night before going to bed. Since the main reason for my getting up relatively early is to trek down to Chinatown to have someone stick needles in my extremities fro relaxation I am surprised that I leapt out of bed with such purpose. It appears as though I may have gotten a good night's sleep and was for the first time in weeks well rested.
I have never been good at sleeping. I could never fall asleep easily as a child. Out of frustration I used to bang my head against the mattress in the hopes of knocking myself out. It usually worked before I got a headache. As an adult I substitute watching late night 1 hour dramas for the head banging; the effect is basically the same.
Still last night I managed to fall asleep quickly without a Law and Order (CI of course, I just can't stand the USA generated CI) marathon, booze or a visit from that little dayglo pharma butterfly. So I had to think about what made yesterday different from the days proceeding the sleepless nights. The only difference I could think of was that last night I had a late gig before which I ran 4 miles at the gym. So basically if I want to get a good nights sleep I need to book at least a 7 minute set in a evening comedy show and become a marathon runner.
No problem. Great! Why couldn't that Lunesta have worked?

The Hole In My Knowledge

I read New York Magazine regularly to give my brain a rest and to get new material. The magazine never fails. In every issue there is something worth poking fun at. This week’s cover was particularly offensive or hilarious depending on your point of view. The cover is a close up photo of a beautiful Asian model lovingly cradling a well manicured foot. Her mouth is dangerously close to the foot and looks as if she is about to give it some sort of happy ending. It’s basically a fetish shot. I was discussing the cover photo with some fellow comedians and one commented that the shot was simply playing on popular Asian stereotypes to sell a cheap rag.

“Fair enough.” I responded but they had gotten it all wrong. I wish my pedicurist was half that sexy. Most of the pedicurists I have had have looked as chewed up and haggard as I do when I bust in there (only from Mon. to Wed. to get the $20 mani/pedi deal). They then proceed to manhandle my hooves like pieces of meat until they mildly resemble feet again. Don’t get me wrong, I get what I pay for and there are other options if I don’t like. I am sure they would tell me both if I voiced that opinion in their shop.

The piece accompanying the cover is what you may expect- and attempt to lend a quasi sociopolitical scholarly angle to the fact that most women neither want to nor could maintain their own hands, feet, brows, bikini line etc to the standards that are set by the beauty industrial complex (aka Big Beauty). At the end of the day, dissertation findings aside, if you can pay someone do something for you which makes life easier you will do so. And yes, yes we know these women are exploited by other women who themselves are probably just narrowly escaping exploitation by exploiting others. Tell us something we don’t know.

The most interesting part of the article, relegated to a side bar, featured a woman who took her exploitative bosses to task and won. But if they had focused on her the article would have been transformative and empowering. Less time would have been wasted (I mean spent) discussing the women who receive the services and one fortunate and well paid soul who really enjoys providing them.

But back to the “tell us something we don’t know….”

Why is the article on page 90 about “You” at Gavin Brown’s Enterprise a review and not an expose? “You” by Urs Fischer is a gallery installation that consists of a hole in the ground. The “artist” spent $250,000 dollars to break through the floor of the gallery to create a 30 by 30 foot hole which reviewer Jerry Saltz upgrades by calling it a crater. I have never seen such an obvious use of a thesaurus in my life. It’s a hole in the ground! A hole that can’t even be sold to the ridiculously rich, money laundering, “I’ll by a carcass in formaldehyde if you say its art” crowd.

I hope someone falls in “You” and everyone gets sued. Or better yet I hope it rains and “You” becomes a puddle and then someone falls in it and everyone gets sued. In any case someone needs to get sued because there is some serious fraud going on. Mr. Saltz then has the gall to compare this work to actual art when he should be comparing it to, well, a hole in the ground, which it is. Apparently making holes is Fisher’s shtick. Nice work if you can get it. The real work of art here is the writer’s use of language to try to bring substance to “You” although really someone ought to sue him as well. Just because. This is what happens when people have no incentive to make money or contribute to society. I think the terrorists may have won.

PS Stop Killing Trees

In the past week I have been trying to rid myself of junk email. I have unsubscribed from the dozen or so websites that I authorized to send me updates because they send too much mail too often. How often does Sephora have to tell me about a new lip gloss? Do I need a Borders coupon everyday? Is the new Comedy Central line up really new? Do I care?

At least junk email is easily disposed of which is more than I can say for regular junk mail. This holiday season I have been inundated with junk snail mail from all sources. I regularly receive appeals to give my expendable income to stop no less than ten different ailments ranging from cancer to cleft lips. Daily I receive catalog from companies resembling upscale dollar stores who sell a variety of Chinese manufactured item destined for landfills. I even get free short term magazine subscriptions from periodicals who obviously do not know what demographic I occupy. To keep up the junk correspondence here is what I have to say to today's junk mail senders.

Dear Rolling Stone,
Your magazine is a rag which is why you are sending it to me for free after I ignored your offers of increasingly cheap subscriptions. The Led Zeppelin picture on the cover made me think it was a mis-delivery by the AARP monthly mag. I get them by accident sometimes.
PS I don't buy music, why would I buy a magazine about it? People read online now. Stop killing trees.

Dear Sarah Lawrence College,
The amount of money you have wasted on heavy jewel toned card stick printed with toxic ink is far greater than the amount of money I will give you, which is to say I will not give you any money. Your choice of stationary reminds me that you are doing fine. Next time send a postcard; it easier to recycle.
PS I am still paying off the student loans I had to take out after you cleverly cut my financial aid in my final year. People give online now. Stop killing trees.

Dear Hammecher Schle-whatever,
As much as I love looking at the ridiculous items in your catalog (Ipod dogs etc) I have yet to buy anything from you. Have you seen Sharper Image? Somebody is biting on somebody's style...
PS People shop online now. Stop killing trees


Dear WAMU,
Could the money you are squandering on surplus mailings and the staff that create them be used to increase the thin interest rate on my accounts?
PS People bank online now. Stop killing trees.